My Sweet Nina! You are 5 Days Old today.
It’s 11 minutes before midnight, you just woke me up to eat not too long ago – looks like you just wanted a snack, since it hadn’t been 3 hours since your last full feeding yet and you fell asleep 10 minutes in.
Maybe you just needed to know that your Mommy was right here since Daddy was the one who put you down this time, for the first time, so Mommy could eat and take a shower.
I cried all day today. Even if I didn’t want to cry, my eyes couldn’t stop producing tears.
I wouldn’t say I had any real or good reason to cry, but my body told me to.
I cried because I know how fast time flies and you’re just going to keep getting bigger and before I know it you won’t be the tiny, fresh newborn I’m now holding in my arms.
I went to the doctor today for labs and I cried when I saw the ultrasound machine in one of the rooms, knowing I’ll never have an ultrasound again.
I remember being the same way with your brother. I remember crying so so much during those first few days because I assumed he was my last baby.
I remember thinking, this can’t be it! This can’t be the last baby I nurse and watch grow..
And here I am over 5 years later, holding you – my brand new baby!
It’s different this time because I know that I am for sure done.
And so, it hurts extra – the thought of you growing up so fast.
So fast. That’s the hardest part. Of course I want to watch you grow, and enjoy every single milestone, but why does it all have to go by so fast?!
I see your sister – she’s almost 7 years old. Her baby days are a distant memory. Why do those memories fade? Thank God for pictures and videos, but it’s just not the same.
With your sister, watching her grow during those first few days and weeks wasn’t so sad because I knew she wouldn’t be my last baby.
Still, I don’t remember the way she smelled, or her tiny hands holding mine. And I don’t remember it with your brother either, so here I sit holding you while you sleep just soaking in your sweet baby smell, listening to your hard breathing and staring at your beautiful little face, hoping that my memory will be better this time if maybe I hold you longer.
I love you so much.
